2014 in Review: Blogging, Life, School, Etc. - What REALLY Happened This Year...

Check it out, 2014 is almost over.

Thank. God. 

This year has been very... not so good, for me. Holistically, I've wanted it to be over for quite some time. I think it started out alright - I distinctly remember New Year's Day, January 1st, 2014, and being HAPPY. There was a specific reason, and it made me so happy. 

Tuck in, y'all. This post is about to get really deep and personal. 

January 2014 was good. February 2014 was wonderful. March 2014 was fine. April 2014 was rocky. May 2014 was a rollercoaster. June, July, August 2014 were a blur.

September 2014 was tumultuous. October 2014 was heartbreaking. November 2014 was numbing. December 2014 was hopeless, resigned, and now, over.

On the blog-front, you'd never know that I've suffered so, over the past year. I have yet to miss a day of posting on the blog. I read 211 books this year - 30 more books than last year. I published 211 reviews this year. My statistics and numbers are doing super well (see my post tomorrow). But personally, in my "real" life, things were black and stormy and not good at all.

You may have noticed that I posted a progression of personal posts this year - something I unofficially promised myself that I would never do. In April, my computer crashed and I was stressed about finals and things seemed awful (little did I know what was coming for me in September). In May, I sort bounced back, right? Things seemed better, especially since I got my computer back, and finals were over. At the end of May/beginning of June, the BEA thing happened, and, well, that was that. At the end of August, I was frustrated, on my first day of sophomore year.

There were several catalysts for this not-so-great year. Academics, for sure. Engineering isn't easy, double-majoring isn't easy, Johns Hopkins isn't easy. But, there was also the matter of my gilipollas boy. For those of you who don't understand that reference, don't worry, you're not alone. I sparsely mention him on the blog. 

In September 2013, as a freshman in JHU, I met him. I bet he doesn't even remember how we met, but... I do. I was sitting outside one of my new friend's suite (with the friend), talking with the friend. We'll call the friend "B". B's suitemate, Matthew (who is now one of my best friends), was in the suite. A boy walked out of the suite (my gilipollas boy). I stood up and introduced myself, and asked him his name. He said his name was "Pablo", and he was from Australia. Neither of which was true, and I didn't believe either statement. I laughed it off and he left. He wasn't quite a jerk - he looked me up and down and made that stupid joke, not once introducing himself to B - but he wasn't someone I thought I'd like.

Of course I ended up liking him... entirely too much. We grew close over the course of the semester.

I'll leave a lot out.

Fast forward to fall semester. Spring semester was good. Summer was fine - the months not seeing him (or anyone from Hopkins) weren't so bad. But fall semester... immediately, from the start, there was something wrong. He stopped texting me. He stopped seeing me. He stopped talking to me. He ignored my texts, my attempts to see him, my attempts to communicate. I wanted to know what happened, but he shut down and shut me out.

September, October, November, December... I still have no explanation as to what happened, not from him. We have mutual friends, so when we saw each other, we acted like nothing is wrong. But something was so, so wrong, and he refuses to talk to me. 

Throw in the fact that fall semester was a miserable mess, in terms of academics. I think a lot of my stress had to do with my gilipollas boy, too, but fall semester was HARD, in terms of academics. I hope my GPA doesn't suffer *too* much...

The thing is, I'm still nursing a broken heart. I miss him. I miss the boy to whom I told everything. I miss the sweet guy who held doors open for me, listened to me chatter endlessly, made fun of me (kindly) when I got excited about environmental chemistry, teased me about silly things, watched soccer with me, talked me through anxiety and panic. I miss hearing about his practices, how one guy was annoying, or one guy smelled terribly, and so on. I miss his harsh exterior but sweet interior - he always wanted to appear as a tough guy, but I always thought he was a teddy bear inside. I miss his terrible language (he's got a potty mouth), his loudness, his charisma, his magnetic personality... heck, I miss how he loves Barcelona (and I love Real Madrid), how he's from Pittsburgh (and I'm from Baltimore). I miss everything that was so opposite of what I am. I miss too many things about him.

I left a lot out, especially from freshman year. But... we're done. I've let him go. I can't remember the last time during this year that I was HAPPY. I missed him, all throughout fall semester (2014). I MISS him now. It hurts to be cut out, and to cut someone out of your life. Especially someone so close. 

So... that was kind of what was going on with me, throughout the year. It was always a rollercoaster, with him, and now, the ride is over. I don't live near him anymore, I have no more mutual classes with him, and I won't be hanging out with our mutual friends if HE will be there. Childish, maybe, but I can't let myself hurt like that. 

The thing is, it's a beautiful thing, to love someone else. There is nothing to be ashamed of, even if it doesn't work out in the end. I wish things could have ended better between us, but I refuse to feel ashamed or guilty for caring about someone else so much.

So. Do I want a do-over? Yes, please. 2015 will be a fresh start for me, in many ways. Mostly in terms of my personal life, but in other ways as well. I'll be focusing on me, my academics, my career pursuits, and my health. I will not let a boy destroy my happiness so completely again. I will not let a boy disappear from my life so absolutely and take all of the light and warmth with him. I will not let myself become so dependent on someone else, because in the end, people always leave. I've always known this, but I wanted it to be different with him. Mistake, Alyssa. 

What does this mean, in terms of books and reading and blogging? Nothing. Just had to get this off my chest, so to speak. I've learned not to feel stupid or ashamed of feeling the way I do. I've learned that talking to people about this whole thing is a whole lot easier than keeping it to myself. And I've learned that I deserved none of this, and that I can do better. 

So... to all of you wonderful people out there who suffered some sort of heartbreak this year, cheers! We'll be miserable together. And then we'll be just fine together.

Life Goals for 2015:

- Get that summer research position

- Keep up the weekly baking

- Go somewhere new (haven't done that in a while, due to academics)

- Start a journal again
- Set aside time to play the piano every week

- 100 Happy Days?
- Breathe again, smile again, find that light again

Blogging Goals for 2015:

- Read at least 150 books (same goal every year)

- Talk to people more on Twitter (I'm trying!)

- Take a break every now and then (this WILL be hard)
- Do a challenge or two (besides the Goodreads one)