Tuesday, December 30, 2014

2014 in Review: Blogging, Life, School, Etc. - What REALLY Happened This Year...

Check it out, 2014 is almost over.

Thank. God. 

This year has been very... not so good, for me. Holistically, I've wanted it to be over for quite some time. I think it started out alright - I distinctly remember New Year's Day, January 1st, 2014, and being HAPPY. There was a specific reason, and it made me so happy. 

Tuck in, y'all. This post is about to get really deep and personal. 


January 2014 was good. February 2014 was wonderful. March 2014 was fine. April 2014 was rocky. May 2014 was a rollercoaster. June, July, August 2014 were a blur.

September 2014 was tumultuous. October 2014 was heartbreaking. November 2014 was numbing. December 2014 was hopeless, resigned, and now, over.

On the blog-front, you'd never know that I've suffered so, over the past year. I have yet to miss a day of posting on the blog. I read 211 books this year - 30 more books than last year. I published 211 reviews this year. My statistics and numbers are doing super well (see my post tomorrow). But personally, in my "real" life, things were black and stormy and not good at all.

You may have noticed that I posted a progression of personal posts this year - something I unofficially promised myself that I would never do. In April, my computer crashed and I was stressed about finals and things seemed awful (little did I know what was coming for me in September). In May, I sort bounced back, right? Things seemed better, especially since I got my computer back, and finals were over. At the end of May/beginning of June, the BEA thing happened, and, well, that was that. At the end of August, I was frustrated, on my first day of sophomore year.

There were several catalysts for this not-so-great year. Academics, for sure. Engineering isn't easy, double-majoring isn't easy, Johns Hopkins isn't easy. But, there was also the matter of my gilipollas boy. For those of you who don't understand that reference, don't worry, you're not alone. I sparsely mention him on the blog. 

In September 2013, as a freshman in JHU, I met him. I bet he doesn't even remember how we met, but... I do. I was sitting outside one of my new friend's suite (with the friend), talking with the friend. We'll call the friend "B". B's suitemate, Matthew (who is now one of my best friends), was in the suite. A boy walked out of the suite (my gilipollas boy). I stood up and introduced myself, and asked him his name. He said his name was "Pablo", and he was from Australia. Neither of which was true, and I didn't believe either statement. I laughed it off and he left. He wasn't quite a jerk - he looked me up and down and made that stupid joke, not once introducing himself to B - but he wasn't someone I thought I'd like.

Of course I ended up liking him... entirely too much. We grew close over the course of the semester.

I'll leave a lot out.

Fast forward to fall semester. Spring semester was good. Summer was fine - the months not seeing him (or anyone from Hopkins) weren't so bad. But fall semester... immediately, from the start, there was something wrong. He stopped texting me. He stopped seeing me. He stopped talking to me. He ignored my texts, my attempts to see him, my attempts to communicate. I wanted to know what happened, but he shut down and shut me out.

September, October, November, December... I still have no explanation as to what happened, not from him. We have mutual friends, so when we saw each other, we acted like nothing is wrong. But something was so, so wrong, and he refuses to talk to me. 

Throw in the fact that fall semester was a miserable mess, in terms of academics. I think a lot of my stress had to do with my gilipollas boy, too, but fall semester was HARD, in terms of academics. I hope my GPA doesn't suffer *too* much...

The thing is, I'm still nursing a broken heart. I miss him. I miss the boy to whom I told everything. I miss the sweet guy who held doors open for me, listened to me chatter endlessly, made fun of me (kindly) when I got excited about environmental chemistry, teased me about silly things, watched soccer with me, talked me through anxiety and panic. I miss hearing about his practices, how one guy was annoying, or one guy smelled terribly, and so on. I miss his harsh exterior but sweet interior - he always wanted to appear as a tough guy, but I always thought he was a teddy bear inside. I miss his terrible language (he's got a potty mouth), his loudness, his charisma, his magnetic personality... heck, I miss how he loves Barcelona (and I love Real Madrid), how he's from Pittsburgh (and I'm from Baltimore). I miss everything that was so opposite of what I am. I miss too many things about him.

I left a lot out, especially from freshman year. But... we're done. I've let him go. I can't remember the last time during this year that I was HAPPY. I missed him, all throughout fall semester (2014). I MISS him now. It hurts to be cut out, and to cut someone out of your life. Especially someone so close. 


So... that was kind of what was going on with me, throughout the year. It was always a rollercoaster, with him, and now, the ride is over. I don't live near him anymore, I have no more mutual classes with him, and I won't be hanging out with our mutual friends if HE will be there. Childish, maybe, but I can't let myself hurt like that. 

The thing is, it's a beautiful thing, to love someone else. There is nothing to be ashamed of, even if it doesn't work out in the end. I wish things could have ended better between us, but I refuse to feel ashamed or guilty for caring about someone else so much.

So. Do I want a do-over? Yes, please. 2015 will be a fresh start for me, in many ways. Mostly in terms of my personal life, but in other ways as well. I'll be focusing on me, my academics, my career pursuits, and my health. I will not let a boy destroy my happiness so completely again. I will not let a boy disappear from my life so absolutely and take all of the light and warmth with him. I will not let myself become so dependent on someone else, because in the end, people always leave. I've always known this, but I wanted it to be different with him. Mistake, Alyssa. 

What does this mean, in terms of books and reading and blogging? Nothing. Just had to get this off my chest, so to speak. I've learned not to feel stupid or ashamed of feeling the way I do. I've learned that talking to people about this whole thing is a whole lot easier than keeping it to myself. And I've learned that I deserved none of this, and that I can do better. 

So... to all of you wonderful people out there who suffered some sort of heartbreak this year, cheers! We'll be miserable together. And then we'll be just fine together.


Life Goals for 2015:

- Get that summer research position
- Keep up the weekly baking
- Go somewhere new (haven't done that in a while, due to academics)
- Start a journal again
- Set aside time to play the piano every week
- 100 Happy Days?
- Breathe again, smile again, find that light again

Blogging Goals for 2015:

- Read at least 150 books (same goal every year)
- Talk to people more on Twitter (I'm trying!)
- Take a break every now and then (this WILL be hard)
- Do a challenge or two (besides the Goodreads one)

40 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry you had to go through that doll. i know you don't know me but I read your blog often. I don't want to sound preachy preachy but your right. Stay away. the best break ia a clean break and its not childish AT ALL to protect yourself. I made myself suffer around an ex who cheated on me for years and it caused some serious damage. An important part of a relationship is knowing when it's over. If he wont give you a reason its cause he's not man enough to admit to what he is up to and you DON'T want a man like that! You deserve more. Im older than you and while I don't know it all i have been through a hell of alot of life especially with men. Time really will heal it but just keep your distance for yourself. Didnt mean to blab at you but I truly truly how you have a fabulous year and meet a gorgeous man who sweeps you off your feet. It will happen when you least expect it as it always does! I love your blog and will be back often. PS happy anniversary! If you want to vent feel free @kalebsmome
    <3 Britt @ please feed the bookworm
    *just because the sun is behind clouds, doesn't mean it isn't there*

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    1. Britt - thank you so much for the encouragement. I'm so glad for wonderful people like you who understand, know, and care. Sometimes I have to remind myself that he wasn't the whole world. I should raise my standards, right? lol

      You weren't blabbing at all - I really appreciate your comment and time! I want - need - the reassurance. This one did a number on me.

      *hugs* Thank you <333

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  2. oh my gosh Alyssa, that's horrible! when i was in eighth grade, a boy stood up on front of the class and said "i could never like a girl like Nova. if she sat on me she'd flatten me" and i had a crush on him and i thought it was the end of the world too. crushes and liking people are horrible but somehow it's so worth it when you find someone who truly cares. and i know you will.

    make 2015 the best year ever, i wish you luck

    [also, i still remember the time you sent me your JHU application (or something) and i can't believe so much time has passed since then]

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    1. It was a little more serious than a crush... but I see that you know where I'm coming from. That is absolutely AWFUL, for anyone to say that to anyone. I'm so sorry that happened to you - but you're worth so much more than one boy's opinion.

      I guess I should tell myself that.

      Thank you very much! I hope it's better - I wish you a fabulous year as well.

      And... right?! About two years O_O

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  3. I am so sorry you went through all of that. I have had a few guys in the past stop talking to me for no reason and I did nothing wrong. It doesn't make any sense and I know you probably wasted hours thinking about it, like I did. Hopefully the book boyfriends will cheer you up and I hope you have a wonderful 2015 from the bottom of my heart! <3

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    1. Waste time and energy and effort and feelings and emotions and EVERYTHING, right? And then he leaves and takes it all with him. I admit, I'd never felt so desolate (hate to sound so dramatic).

      But what's done is done. For know, I'll leave in the not-so-real world... crazy as that sounds. Thank you <3333

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  4. I imagine this post was your Declaration of Intention and I am touched by your heartfelt words. They bring back memories from a while ago. I had a boy leave me and it took time to get past that, but when I was ready, in walked a man who was as different as night from day. I remember that first boy from a distance of 30 years now. Follow your goals and dreams and I truly wish you a much better New Year.

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    1. It should be! Now that I've said things, and they're out in the open, I can hold myself to my words. I can move on. Right? Right.

      That is so inspiring, Sophia! I honestly hope that happens - when I bounce back, there will be someone better for me. At one point in this whole ordeal, I was so sure that this was it for me - he had ruined romance and love for me. Not so, right?

      Thank you, Sophia! Your words mean so much to me <33 Happy New Year!

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    2. This time of happiness and heartache has added a layer of experience to your life and hopefully wisdom as you evaluate the experience and move forward from there. It will always be there, but there will be other experiences to continue adding layers. He can't ruin romance unless you give him permission to (I altered that one from the Princess Diaries quote)- lots more romance out there and sometimes when and where you least expect it or want it. ;)

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    3. I certainly hope so! And I won't let him ruin my love life for good, not a chance. I guess what I need to do is not want romance, and it will come to me ;D

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  5. Oh Alyssa, so sorry to hear about your stinky year!! It's too bad that some people just don't know how to communicate, and I'm sure it would have been a lot easier for you if he'd just told you he wanted to break up, instead of doing all that immature stuff like ignoring your texts:-( It sounds like you are already starting to bounce back, though! Glad you have a busy life that will help keep your brain occupied and off the bad stuff. I wish you the BEST 2015 ever!!!

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    1. In a world full of technology and instant communication, it sure is harder to get someone to honestly express himself, right? Or at least, with this boy, it has been.

      But I am definitely wallowing no more. I've done enough of that this fall. I'm definitely going to throw myself into my schoolwork and do my best to move on. This blogging community has been such a boost, in many ways. Good people like you have had my back <333 Thank you so much, Tammy!!

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  6. Communication, boy! At least if someone says "I don't want to hang out anymore," even if s/he doesn't give a reason, you can make a cleaner break without all that wondering and worrying. :P

    But yes, you don't need to feel bad that you cared about someone, and you don't need to feel bad about letting it go now. In fact, it's great that you get emotionally invested in your relationships with others. The alternative is to never get strongly attached to anyone or anything- which limits how hurt you get, but it limits how happy you get, too. Now dance in the snow while singing "Let it Go" and life will be all better. (Except for potential frostbite if you're wearing Elsa's outfit and shoes.)

    The life goals for 2015 look awesome, especially the piano playing and "go somewhere new." Let me know if you're headed up this way! :)

    Also, completely random question: I know you've only had one full year so far, but are you finding your fall semesters are generally harder than your spring semesters? I know that was the case in high school, and I think the same may have held in college. Especially that one semester where I was an absolute idiot and took 6 courses, 5 of which were writing intensive... >.> Then followed it up with an easy semester, which was too little, so I had to kill myself with lots of courses the next fall. 'Twas a vicious cycle. ;)

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    1. Now I want to listen to "Let It Go" :D Better than the sad tragic music, honestly. I'm hoping for a better year! I'll keep in touch, in terms of the travel :D

      And YES. Oh my gosh, the fall semesters kill me. Spring semesters aren't a ton easier, but there is definitely a difference. For me, most of the environmental-engineering-specific courses are only offered in the fall. So in the spring, I take the distribution/general credits, required by the university, and general engineering ones. Not as bad as the environmental engineering classes, but not terribly easy.

      VICIOUS CYCLE INDEED D:

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  7. Aw Alyssa! I hate that this happened to you, but I guess it happens to most people eventually. A sort of similar thing happened to me this year too, except after he ignored my texts for a few weeks I found out he got back together with his ex. But boys are stupid, and until you find the right one, they're a waste of time :P It definitely sounds like you're bouncing back already, just focus on your career and your goals and try to be the best Alyssa you can be! I'm sure 2015 will be a better year for you :) And if that boy tries to break your heart again just message me and I'll fly over and beat him up for you :)

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    1. I've reached that point in life, eh? That is so terrible! He should TELL YOU that there is someone else, right? I don't know what's going in this case, but I don't *think* it's a matter of someone else? I still saw him all fall semester (because we have many mutual friends), and I don't think that was the case. But what do I know...

      I'm definitely putting the love life to the side... at least for now. Like you said, goals and best Alyssa. I hope 2015 is better! Hopefully it's an awesome year for you as well!

      And OMG DUDE I WOULD LOVE FOR YOU TO COME AND SLAP SOME SENSE INTO HIM ;D

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  8. Alyssa! I'm so sorry to hear about your year---and broken heart. I read something the other day (which I will paraphrase terribly) that said something along the lines of "2013 was my warm-up year, 2014 was my practice year, and 2015 is my power year". Except worded better. Here's to a practice year---and the bad-A year that 2015 will bring.

    If you ever feel the desire to talk to a pen pal or write it out with a stranger, you have my address :)

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    1. Hmmm, I would be okay with that :D I wouldn't mind at all, if 2015 brought on the real deal. I need some REAL romance! But not at the moment. LOL

      Dude! I totally DO have your address! That just hit me for some reason. I WILL SEND YOU ALL THE CARDS AND LETTERS! (I'm a huge fan of the old-fashioned messaging ways).

      *hugs*

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  9. I'm so sorry to hear 2014 wasn't a good year for you. Believe me, you're not alone in thinking so! I posted a bit about that too on my blog. But cheers to 2015 . . . it's right around the corner with a whole new world of possibilities, and it looks like you have some great goals :-) I think a clean break with the boy was the best way to go.

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    1. I hope 2015 is awesome or you! I always thought the whole "new year, new you" kind of thing sounded cliche... until this year LOL. I'm definitely booting him out of my life for good. Good for me. He's already decided what's good for him.

      Happy New Year!

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  10. Oh my, you've had quite the year. You are so strong and amazing, Alyssa and I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that. I know what it's like to break up with someone you really like, it hurts but you'll eventually find someone else who can fill that void for you. For all the heartbreak and stress you've had, you've been nothing but fun and cheery on Twitter and your blog from what I can tell. You are so strong and wonderful <33 Next year WILL be better.

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    1. Awwww, Rachel, you are so kind! Really, thank you <333 I think I'm putting the personal love life thing to the side for now... but I so want some real romance in the future. I hope I can move past this and never wallow like I stupidly did this year. Enough is enough, right?

      Thank you so much! Here's to a better 2015 >:) Happy New Year, Rachel!

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  11. I'm so sorry to hear what happened to you :( Hugs for being so strong!! Time will lessen the pain and you will find someone who deserves you!

    I hope you get the summer position you want! And take breaks! With all that you've already accomplished with your blog, you definitely deserve a break! Just go somewhere and enjoy!!

    I'm so glad to have discovered your blog because it's awesome and you're awesome :) Happy early 2015~ Hope you get everything you want in the new year :D

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    1. THANK YOU, EILEEN! I'm crossing my fingers on the "finding someone" bit. I need all the companionship at this point :/

      I'm crossing my fingers for these goals to be accomplished. Especially the summer one. And the break one should happen pretty soon.

      I'm SO glad we've "met", Eileen! I'm honored and humbled to know someone as sweet as you. *hugs*

      Happy New Year! I hope 2015 treats you well :)

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  12. 2015 won't arrive soon enough my dear!! I have the highest hopes for it for both you and me! *big squishy hugs*
    And I've already told you, maybe you'll get your own 2B story once you move to an apartment near campus! ;)

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    1. We will persevere, eh? You and me both, this year has been a struggle. And I'm hoping for a 2B apartment building/floor... and not a pothead or partying floor LOL. Call me picky, but I like clean (and peaceful) living. I have nothing against sexy neighbors though ;D

      Wishing you well in the New Year, Pili!

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  13. Aw, hugs :( I'm so sorry 2014 have been all kinds of awful for you. That sucks sweetie. THE BOY. I am angry at him. HOW MEAN. I'm so so sorry Alyssa. *Hugs* <3 He seems like an asshole, for treating you this way. Hmph. I really hope 2015 will be all kinds of better for you. <3 Hugs. I have loved getting to know you this year sweetie :) You are the best. (Also, 2014 have been kind of awful for me too, but only because of my health. It never seems to get any better. Sigh.)

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    1. Trust me, I'm angry with him too. More angry than he'll ever know. But mostly disappointed. And heartbroken. WHATEVER. Ugh.

      Thank you so much, Carina! I sincerely hope 2015 is better for you, your health. One day you'll wake up and there will be no pain - I'll be praying for you and keeping you in my thoughts :)

      Happy New Year, girl!

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  14. Aaww. *hugs* I'm sorry to hear that 2014 was such a trying year for you; we all get them sometimes, but it still sucks. I'm in complete awe that you still managed to maintain such a vigilant blog posting schedule all things considering. That's quite an accomplishment, and you should be very proud. 2015 will be better, I just know it!

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    1. I almost feel bad for posting all of this because there are people who lost their jobs or homes or spouses or children and I'm here complaining about a broken heart O_O But we all hurt and we all live, right?

      Thank you very much! I am definitely proud of what I've done, in terms of everything not involving or relating to my gilipollas boy. I'm so thankful for a wonderful and supportive blogging community, and people like you who moved me to tears today. THANK YOU.

      Happy New Year! I hope you have a successful and wonderful year! <3333 *hugs*

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  15. I really hope that 2015 is a better year for you! I've never gone through anything that you've had to deal with but I'm still sending lots of hugs your way. Wish you all the best with 2015 being your year!

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    1. I hope so too - thank you, Zareena! Growing pains, no? I'll take the hugs! Mwa!<333

      Happy New Year!

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  16. UGH. THAT GUY. UGHHHH. Sorry that nothing's changed since the last time we talked about him, but seriously Alyssa, after reading and hearing about how he's been treating you, you deserve WAY better than him. You deserve to be happy and care about yourself and only yourself for a change. Who says we need guys to make us happy?
    And it is NOT childish not to hang out with your mutual friends when he's also there. It's called being smart. ;D
    Anyways, -hugs-. Anytime you need to talk about ANYTHING, I'm always here for you. Here's to a fantastic 2015! -clinks wine glass with yours-

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    1. He needed the boot a long time ago, right? And not the Golden kind (hehe soccer reference). I don't want to need anyone to make me happy... I almost can't believe I let myself fall into this hole. Anyway, that chapter of my life is over, and hopefully, will never be repeated again.

      THANK YOU SO MUCH!! You are awesome, Kelly! Happy New Year <3333 *drinks all the sparkling apple cider*

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  17. I wish for a great year Alyssa. Chin up, smile on and open your heart for the good and the bad. You will find your other half when you're ready for him, you are awesome, you did nothing wrong and it's his loss. I think that severing all ties and contact will help the healing to faster.

    You have friends, in person and in the internets that love and appreciate you. School and all the reading and blogging will keep you busy. Sending a hug your way :)

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    1. Awww, Lizaaaa. I know I've said this before but I NEED YOUR EXPERIENCE AND GUIDANCE. lol

      Thank you so much! I'm hoping for a better, er, romantic prospect in the future... but maybe not anytime soon.

      I will gladly accept all hugs! Thank youuuu <3333 *hugs*

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  18. I literally don't know what to say without going into CAPS LOCK SHE LILI HULK IMMA KILL THIS DUDE rage, so all I'm going to do is state a fact: This guy is a moron that does not deserve your brightness in his life at all.

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    1. I sooo appreciate the sentiment :D I just wish he'd wake up and realize that for himself. But I'm tired of waiting so... moving on with life.

      Happy New Year, Lili! <3

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  19. Hey Alyssa! I just want to say that you are an absolute inspiration for me. You've dealt with all of this stuff and still came out victorious, even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes. I don't know how you do it--attending such a prestigious school, having such a complicated and I'm sure, extremely difficult major, keeping up with friends, and posting EVERY day on your blog. TEACH ME YOUR WAYS! That guy absolutely did not deserve someone as great as you--and you will find someone even better while he [inserts something mean here]. I am sure that 2015 will be a better year for you! Andddd I'm hoping that maybe when I get up the guts to do it, we can maybe start like an email chat about maybe like books and life. I'm struggling a bit through my first year in college and it would be wonderful to have someone that I could turn to to ask for little pieces of advice every now and then, if you don't mind. But yeah! I hope that you are having a better year so far--keep your chin up and keep being awesome (: (:

    Gabbie <3

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    1. Awww, Gabbie! Thank you so much for the kind words. I appreciate you taking the time to follow my blog. From one student to another, I totally understand!

      We should definitely communicate more - I am totally there for fellow college students especially! You can ALWAYS ask me about or for anything, Gabbie! Tweet at me anytime, or email me via my blog email - I will always answer.

      I hope YOU have a wonderful second semester! Keep being fabulous yourself, girl :D

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